Apparently, puzzles with "Tom Swifty" themes are (or used to be) a thing in crosswords. Each clue would be a quote attributed to this fictional character, and the answer would be a punny adverb to complete the attribution (e.g. clue: ["If you want me, I shall be in the attic," Tom said ...] answer: LOFTILY).
Today's New York Times puzzle was full of Tom Swifties. I and many other people found them funny. Some people found them *really not funny* and said some mean things about the puzzle on the internet, prompting a sincere and thoughtful response from its sincere and thoughtful constructor, Trent Evans.
(If this is your first introduction to #NYTXW and the crossword Twitterverse, please know that it's mostly full of great people like Trent who love puzzles and don't say mean things on the internet.)
Anyway ... in light of some people taking their crossword way too personally/seriously today, I reached out to Trent with a Tom Swifty spinoff to lighten the mood. We riffed on it over DMs for a bit, and then I put together this puzzle. I hope you get a good laugh out of it. (And if you hate it, please tweet about it in Tom Swifty form only.)
Check out more of Trent's puzzles at his website, gridtherapy.com